He Impresses Me

So, I have been thinking this for a while. As I have been thinking over and about my own life, the choices that I have made and the consequences that have come along with them, I see my DH completely happy with the choices that he has made. He has made great decisions in his and is happy with the results. He has moved up his career path so quickly considering his age. In the last year or so I would say he has changed the most, at least as a professional which is slowly leaked over into his personal life. Lately, he seems to be more personable with strangers than ever before. I remember going to the doctor with him when we first moved here and remember thinking that I had not seen him be "Mr. Personality" with a somebody he had never met before. He was funny and charming and I remember thinking that I found this new side of him to be pleasant, but very odd for him. I wish I had the ability to see him in action at work without him knowing I was there. I think that would give me some insight to the full version of him. I admit that I am intrigued. When I ask him about work, he rarely wants to talk about it. I don't know why. I thinks its fasinating to hear about his work relationships and the things he has to do. I envy his ability have something outside of the family that only he can do.

All that said, I wish I felt the way he does. I have never felt so empty as I do right now. I do not feel....well, I actually don't know what the right word is. Perhaps complete, or fulfilled, or valued, or successful. I feel stuck with no way out. I have tried to find fulfillment by getting a part time job in a something that really gets me going and feel happy when I am doing; however, it has not done what I hoped it would do. At first it did. I got a mental break from the household activities and family. And then on Monday I felt like I could tackle the world. But now, it I just feel tired at the end of the weekend and am ready for a good nights sleep and then on Monday I just want to relax and take a break, but I cant because I have work to do. Like on Monday I need to go grocery shopping for the next couple of weeks, which of course requires planning meals and making the list and then actually going, unloading the car, putting it away, etc. I seem to only do the mundane work like laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. After 2.5 years of it without a weekday job, I feel so useless and unappreciated. Like what is the fucking point? It never ends. There is never an end, just more added to it. It is a vicious cycle and I want out.

I can't believe it has started so soon

I feel like I am becoming an emotional wreck already. It usually doesn't hit me until after Thanksgiving. A few times, it started to bother me again after Christmas and once it did not bother me until just before New Years. I don't understand why it is bothering me soon, but it is. I don't want it to, but it is. I can't help it. I don't want it to consume me, but it is. I don't want to think about it, but I am. It will be 10 years this year and it still bothers me. It is still burned in my mind and memory as if it were yesterday. The details just as clear as the night it happened. I am drowning in my memories and can't come up for air. It is amazing how horribly he has aged in 10 years. It pisses me off how much I look like him and Makenna gets her red hair from him. Its like its a sick joke from God. Its not fair. People always say things happen for a reason, but I can't find a reason, a purpose, for the torturous behaviors of sick people. I want' them to die. I want them to be tortured as they have tortured their victims. I want it all to disappear.

Messy House + Crystal = Bitch

I don't understand why my DH does not understand this very simple equation. It can not be broken down any simpler. This weekends catastrophe was not even his complete fault. On Sunday while he had the girls by himself he replaced the light fixture in our sitting room of the master bedroom, attached Makenna's light kit to her fan in her room, he fixed Kaylin's tilted light fixture, hung up the curtains in the living room where all I have to do is steam them and then have him rotate them slightly before they are perfect and hung up the hardware for the kitchen curtains as well. In addition, he gave them a bath as well and put them to bed. And somehow, he remained in a good mood. I would have been exhausted and pissed off by the time the day was over. So, I am greatly impressed with the work he did because our house is finally feeling soft and comfy with all the great fabrics everywhere. I had no idea fabric could make a girl feel better, but it does.

So, since he did all the project in one day the house work was not done. And no, I did not expect him to clean it while doing those projects. It is not possible to do everything and keep the children from killing themselves. This I know for sure. With all that said, it does not change my feelings about messy house + Crystal = Bitch. I can't control it. It is what it is. By Friday, the house is usually clean from the disaster of the previous weekend. But to get it that way, I can't have "me time" while the kids are both in school, just cleaning. And when Makenna is here by herself, she gets very little attention from me since I now have to do the massive cleaning task....again. Which sucks because now I feel bad. I could be a better mother to her now since Kaylin is in school. I could work with her the way I did with Kaylin when she was that age. Potty training could begin. We could do puzzles together. And play dough. And paint and use markers. All the stuff I enjoyed with Kaylin at 2. But no. I can't because the house is a disaster which makes me a bitch. I am aware of the condition. But I can't ignore it or deal with. If I let the mess stay as is, it grows which in turn raises the bitch meter by a massive amount. The higher bitch meter causes more yelling and cursing than a woman should do, particularly with the kids around, but again...it is what it is. So, if one ever calls me and I am a bitch even when the intention is not to be one, there are only 2 reasons causing the problem. Messy house or the period. In conclusion, Messy House + Crystal = Bitch. Always and probably forever.

I am defeated

Ok, so I had a clean house on Friday before leaving for work. The only things out were a few items left behind from the my DH (whom is no longer darling) like clothing, shoes, some boxes from doing work for his parents ( which are 3rd on his priority list apparently preceded by work the kids. Although stuff for his parents is work, therefore making them tied for first. Imagine that!) Anyways. I come off my weekend of happiness and come home to hell. Everything that I had done was thwarted by the person that is suppose to care how I feel. I made a list for him on Wednesday of last week of every item that was out that was his. 15 minutes or less would have covered it. But now that list is buried beneath more crap that has accumulated. So this evening I was able to get some aggression out by spraying him with hot water from the sink sprayer while I was doing dishes. It was his stuff getting wet. What did I care? If it wasn't out, it would not have gotten wet. In fact nothing would have gotten wet because it would not have justified it. Anyways, as I typed this I realized what would make me the happiest. Cleaning up his stuff, but putting it in a place that will take him a while to find. However, I think I am going to wait a bit longer to see if he actually cleans it up. He actually had the balls to tell me to pick up my stuff that I left out this evening. So my reply was no problem... please give me a few seconds to pick up my dinner plate and paperwork. There...Done. What a fucking asshole. I am so mad and he doesn't give a shit. But that is what I married. A fucking slob...that doesn't give a shit.

Its that Time Again

I hate football season. I wish it did not exist. There is nothing good about it. Its one Saturdays. Its on Sundays. Its on Monday nights. Later in the season it gets moved to Thursdays as well. And of course there is the Fantasy Football League. I mean, first its the live draft which means that time has to be taken to study the players and determine who has the most probable outcome of doing well. Then they actually do the draft, which means they must have an entire day of conversations about it. Then the season starts. Every weekend before the games start, they have to make sure that their team is the best it can be. Perhaps some trading happens which also includes boring conversations about it. Where is the nearest handgun? Somebody must be shot. Then after the last player on their team plays, the scores must be tallied to see if they have won. Depending on the outcome, a week of gloating or pouting is followed. And then it starts over. What can be more exciting? Oh, I know. I know. Paint drying. Cats licking themselves. A sleeping dog. A sleeping baby. Grass growing. When will it end? I think in late January or early February. Oh, goodie, goodie gumdrops! 5 months of fun. Oh, how excited am I? Seriously, where is that gun?