He Impresses Me

So, I have been thinking this for a while. As I have been thinking over and about my own life, the choices that I have made and the consequences that have come along with them, I see my DH completely happy with the choices that he has made. He has made great decisions in his and is happy with the results. He has moved up his career path so quickly considering his age. In the last year or so I would say he has changed the most, at least as a professional which is slowly leaked over into his personal life. Lately, he seems to be more personable with strangers than ever before. I remember going to the doctor with him when we first moved here and remember thinking that I had not seen him be "Mr. Personality" with a somebody he had never met before. He was funny and charming and I remember thinking that I found this new side of him to be pleasant, but very odd for him. I wish I had the ability to see him in action at work without him knowing I was there. I think that would give me some insight to the full version of him. I admit that I am intrigued. When I ask him about work, he rarely wants to talk about it. I don't know why. I thinks its fasinating to hear about his work relationships and the things he has to do. I envy his ability have something outside of the family that only he can do.

All that said, I wish I felt the way he does. I have never felt so empty as I do right now. I do not feel....well, I actually don't know what the right word is. Perhaps complete, or fulfilled, or valued, or successful. I feel stuck with no way out. I have tried to find fulfillment by getting a part time job in a something that really gets me going and feel happy when I am doing; however, it has not done what I hoped it would do. At first it did. I got a mental break from the household activities and family. And then on Monday I felt like I could tackle the world. But now, it I just feel tired at the end of the weekend and am ready for a good nights sleep and then on Monday I just want to relax and take a break, but I cant because I have work to do. Like on Monday I need to go grocery shopping for the next couple of weeks, which of course requires planning meals and making the list and then actually going, unloading the car, putting it away, etc. I seem to only do the mundane work like laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. After 2.5 years of it without a weekday job, I feel so useless and unappreciated. Like what is the fucking point? It never ends. There is never an end, just more added to it. It is a vicious cycle and I want out.