I can't believe it has started so soon

I feel like I am becoming an emotional wreck already. It usually doesn't hit me until after Thanksgiving. A few times, it started to bother me again after Christmas and once it did not bother me until just before New Years. I don't understand why it is bothering me soon, but it is. I don't want it to, but it is. I can't help it. I don't want it to consume me, but it is. I don't want to think about it, but I am. It will be 10 years this year and it still bothers me. It is still burned in my mind and memory as if it were yesterday. The details just as clear as the night it happened. I am drowning in my memories and can't come up for air. It is amazing how horribly he has aged in 10 years. It pisses me off how much I look like him and Makenna gets her red hair from him. Its like its a sick joke from God. Its not fair. People always say things happen for a reason, but I can't find a reason, a purpose, for the torturous behaviors of sick people. I want' them to die. I want them to be tortured as they have tortured their victims. I want it all to disappear.