Unplugged

I feel as though my husband is unplugged. I don't know when the last time we talked that did not include money or finances. I know nothing about what goes on with him at work. He never talks to me about any thing, except when he wants to talk about his fantasy football team. That's about as interesting as watching paint dry. In fact, I know I have been more excited about dry paint than his f***ing team.

And the man become a machine of bodily functions. Just letting the most disgusting farts and burps fly. Does he really think I am suppose to find him attractive afterwards? No!!! That is as impressive as when he showed me his porn collection as a teenager when we first started dating. If he thinks he is getting any sex for Christmas or our anniversary, or New Year's, he is seriously misguided. I will not be just a hole for him! I deserve better. I am currently at the bottom of his list with everybody and everything else first. I wish I was still hot so that at least somebody of the male population would send a little attention my way.

I am so frustrated

I am completely frustrated. I thought that I had made myself clear that I was frustrated that my DH did not clean up his shit last week (to him). With my explanation of how I felt, I really thought he would have the house clean beyond what of what it looked like on Friday. So what does he do. He just cleans up the stuff he messed up and made the girls clean up some. Not completely, but some. The thing is that I worked late tonight due to carpet cleaning at work. I did not get home until after 9:30 and I even picked up something to eat for him. I truly expected to have the house spotless when I walked in. I truly did. And yet again I am dissappointed in my husband's inability to add to my happiness. It makes me want to scream. He is such a selfish person when it comes to helping me. It seems to be beyond him. It is beneath him. He is too good to help his wife, but is more that willing to do work for his parents. I find it so frustrating that he wants to please them when they don't live here and he doesn't have to see or talk to them, but he is not willing to make his wife happy. I am tired of coming last.

He Impresses Me

So, I have been thinking this for a while. As I have been thinking over and about my own life, the choices that I have made and the consequences that have come along with them, I see my DH completely happy with the choices that he has made. He has made great decisions in his and is happy with the results. He has moved up his career path so quickly considering his age. In the last year or so I would say he has changed the most, at least as a professional which is slowly leaked over into his personal life. Lately, he seems to be more personable with strangers than ever before. I remember going to the doctor with him when we first moved here and remember thinking that I had not seen him be "Mr. Personality" with a somebody he had never met before. He was funny and charming and I remember thinking that I found this new side of him to be pleasant, but very odd for him. I wish I had the ability to see him in action at work without him knowing I was there. I think that would give me some insight to the full version of him. I admit that I am intrigued. When I ask him about work, he rarely wants to talk about it. I don't know why. I thinks its fasinating to hear about his work relationships and the things he has to do. I envy his ability have something outside of the family that only he can do.

All that said, I wish I felt the way he does. I have never felt so empty as I do right now. I do not feel....well, I actually don't know what the right word is. Perhaps complete, or fulfilled, or valued, or successful. I feel stuck with no way out. I have tried to find fulfillment by getting a part time job in a something that really gets me going and feel happy when I am doing; however, it has not done what I hoped it would do. At first it did. I got a mental break from the household activities and family. And then on Monday I felt like I could tackle the world. But now, it I just feel tired at the end of the weekend and am ready for a good nights sleep and then on Monday I just want to relax and take a break, but I cant because I have work to do. Like on Monday I need to go grocery shopping for the next couple of weeks, which of course requires planning meals and making the list and then actually going, unloading the car, putting it away, etc. I seem to only do the mundane work like laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. After 2.5 years of it without a weekday job, I feel so useless and unappreciated. Like what is the fucking point? It never ends. There is never an end, just more added to it. It is a vicious cycle and I want out.

I can't believe it has started so soon

I feel like I am becoming an emotional wreck already. It usually doesn't hit me until after Thanksgiving. A few times, it started to bother me again after Christmas and once it did not bother me until just before New Years. I don't understand why it is bothering me soon, but it is. I don't want it to, but it is. I can't help it. I don't want it to consume me, but it is. I don't want to think about it, but I am. It will be 10 years this year and it still bothers me. It is still burned in my mind and memory as if it were yesterday. The details just as clear as the night it happened. I am drowning in my memories and can't come up for air. It is amazing how horribly he has aged in 10 years. It pisses me off how much I look like him and Makenna gets her red hair from him. Its like its a sick joke from God. Its not fair. People always say things happen for a reason, but I can't find a reason, a purpose, for the torturous behaviors of sick people. I want' them to die. I want them to be tortured as they have tortured their victims. I want it all to disappear.

Messy House + Crystal = Bitch

I don't understand why my DH does not understand this very simple equation. It can not be broken down any simpler. This weekends catastrophe was not even his complete fault. On Sunday while he had the girls by himself he replaced the light fixture in our sitting room of the master bedroom, attached Makenna's light kit to her fan in her room, he fixed Kaylin's tilted light fixture, hung up the curtains in the living room where all I have to do is steam them and then have him rotate them slightly before they are perfect and hung up the hardware for the kitchen curtains as well. In addition, he gave them a bath as well and put them to bed. And somehow, he remained in a good mood. I would have been exhausted and pissed off by the time the day was over. So, I am greatly impressed with the work he did because our house is finally feeling soft and comfy with all the great fabrics everywhere. I had no idea fabric could make a girl feel better, but it does.

So, since he did all the project in one day the house work was not done. And no, I did not expect him to clean it while doing those projects. It is not possible to do everything and keep the children from killing themselves. This I know for sure. With all that said, it does not change my feelings about messy house + Crystal = Bitch. I can't control it. It is what it is. By Friday, the house is usually clean from the disaster of the previous weekend. But to get it that way, I can't have "me time" while the kids are both in school, just cleaning. And when Makenna is here by herself, she gets very little attention from me since I now have to do the massive cleaning task....again. Which sucks because now I feel bad. I could be a better mother to her now since Kaylin is in school. I could work with her the way I did with Kaylin when she was that age. Potty training could begin. We could do puzzles together. And play dough. And paint and use markers. All the stuff I enjoyed with Kaylin at 2. But no. I can't because the house is a disaster which makes me a bitch. I am aware of the condition. But I can't ignore it or deal with. If I let the mess stay as is, it grows which in turn raises the bitch meter by a massive amount. The higher bitch meter causes more yelling and cursing than a woman should do, particularly with the kids around, but again...it is what it is. So, if one ever calls me and I am a bitch even when the intention is not to be one, there are only 2 reasons causing the problem. Messy house or the period. In conclusion, Messy House + Crystal = Bitch. Always and probably forever.

I am defeated

Ok, so I had a clean house on Friday before leaving for work. The only things out were a few items left behind from the my DH (whom is no longer darling) like clothing, shoes, some boxes from doing work for his parents ( which are 3rd on his priority list apparently preceded by work the kids. Although stuff for his parents is work, therefore making them tied for first. Imagine that!) Anyways. I come off my weekend of happiness and come home to hell. Everything that I had done was thwarted by the person that is suppose to care how I feel. I made a list for him on Wednesday of last week of every item that was out that was his. 15 minutes or less would have covered it. But now that list is buried beneath more crap that has accumulated. So this evening I was able to get some aggression out by spraying him with hot water from the sink sprayer while I was doing dishes. It was his stuff getting wet. What did I care? If it wasn't out, it would not have gotten wet. In fact nothing would have gotten wet because it would not have justified it. Anyways, as I typed this I realized what would make me the happiest. Cleaning up his stuff, but putting it in a place that will take him a while to find. However, I think I am going to wait a bit longer to see if he actually cleans it up. He actually had the balls to tell me to pick up my stuff that I left out this evening. So my reply was no problem... please give me a few seconds to pick up my dinner plate and paperwork. There...Done. What a fucking asshole. I am so mad and he doesn't give a shit. But that is what I married. A fucking slob...that doesn't give a shit.

Its that Time Again

I hate football season. I wish it did not exist. There is nothing good about it. Its one Saturdays. Its on Sundays. Its on Monday nights. Later in the season it gets moved to Thursdays as well. And of course there is the Fantasy Football League. I mean, first its the live draft which means that time has to be taken to study the players and determine who has the most probable outcome of doing well. Then they actually do the draft, which means they must have an entire day of conversations about it. Then the season starts. Every weekend before the games start, they have to make sure that their team is the best it can be. Perhaps some trading happens which also includes boring conversations about it. Where is the nearest handgun? Somebody must be shot. Then after the last player on their team plays, the scores must be tallied to see if they have won. Depending on the outcome, a week of gloating or pouting is followed. And then it starts over. What can be more exciting? Oh, I know. I know. Paint drying. Cats licking themselves. A sleeping dog. A sleeping baby. Grass growing. When will it end? I think in late January or early February. Oh, goodie, goodie gumdrops! 5 months of fun. Oh, how excited am I? Seriously, where is that gun?

I need a Kindergarten Intervention

My oldest has gone to Kindergarten. It is a day that I have been dreading almost since the day she has been born. I cried when she turned one and that was a bad day. This in comparison was that day on steroids. I was hysterical. I called both of my parents and was completely and utterly sobbing. It was the ugly cry where you can't catch your breath and talking is impossible. They barely could understand a word that was coming out of my mouth.

I am not ready for this at all. I am no longer the person she sees the most in a given day. I can no longer spy on her as she plays by herself or with her sister to see what she does when she doesn't know I am looking. I won't know when she gets frustrated when she tries something new. I won't see her when she makes a new friend and has "girl talk" with someone in the cafeteria. I won't be there when she gets her feelings hurt when she is excluded from being in a group of kids. I won't see her helping someone else with a task and the proud look on her face afterwards. I won't see her "light bulb moment" when she discovers something new. I won't be there to correct her she says or does something that she knows she shouldn't. I won't be there to give her hug when she is dissapointed that she really isin't the fastest 5 year old runner in the world. I can't protect her from everything any more. I no longer know exactly what she does in a standard day. I will forever have to wonder exactly what she is doing at school because no matter what she tells me when I ask, "What did you do at school today," her 2 minute explanation could not begin to cover the 7 hours that I missed in her life that day. And one day she will answer with, "nothing" and then I really won't know what happened for 7 hours of her day.

Girls can be mean and cruel

I was at the gym today. I had finished a workout and was in the shower. The gym is hosting a summer program where the kids can have pool time and then shower after wards. These girls were calling each other liars during a fight. Then one of he girls says that another one is "full of poo." She replies that she was the one "full of poo" and that she was the "color of poo" and "smelled like it too." Of course the girl that was receiving the comment was black. I felt horrified about it. The poor girls just quit talking. I literally ached for her. I did not hear what happened afterwards since the girls went to go get ready and I was mid shower. Once I was dressed, I found the teacher with kids. I told her what I heard and she said the girls let her know about it and it was "taken care of." Hopefully, it was.

Anyways, it made me realize that kids can be really mean and my goal is to keep my kids from behaving in that manor. I was horrified and I think that if that mom of the child had heard her child, she would have been mortified. I know I would have been.

Anyways, that's it for me.

Can't a Girl Get Laid?

I admit it. I need to have sex. I have let my DH know that I am interested and willing and its been since Sunday. I know. I know. Its only been 2 nights since the last "extra-curricular" activities, but come on! It was mostly a bj given and some "toy fun" followed by some light and gently fun time, but I was left wanting more. Any other man that was offered sex from his wife or girlfriend or bed buddy would likely take them up on the offer, but not mine. I can understand that he is tired or stressed or has to get up early in the morning. I get that. I am not asking for a long drawn out thing. I would not mind something in between "animal instinct" screwing and "swinging from the chandeliers" sex. Is that too much to ask? Apparently! I have asked for 2 nights in a row and been denied twice. He had better give it up on our trip since we will be in a king size bed for the first time without the kids sleeping between us. Where has my husbands sex drive gone? He isn't even 30 yet. Is it already gone? Or is it that he no longer is interested in me? I don't get it. We have been doing the dating thing and he was Greatly Appreciated for doing the house work last weekend. I can't do much more. I don't think if I went to bed naked he would be interested. I dunno. I am frustrated and needing to be laid.

We are good again

I am finally happy with my husband again. We have been going out on weekly dates. I am loving my new job at the scrapbook store. I get breaks from the kids every week now. And to top it off, over the weekend, my DH cleaned the house. He cleaned our dinette table and the kitchen floors. He vacuumed the family room after he decluttered it. He had the kids pick up their stuff upstairs. And he did the yard work as well. I could not have been more thrilled to come home to a clean house. He was well rewarded I believe. And I am stoked about it.

just needing to whine

OK, so I sort of agreed to watch E's kids so that S and E could go play tennis tonight and now I don't want to. I am cramping and in a bad mood and I really don't want to put up the 4 kids. I don't want to deal with mine, much less his 2. My house is a freakin' mess and it puts me in a bad mood. I just want it clean, but with no help it won't happen. I can take 3 steps forward during the week, but S can manage to put me 5 steps backwards. I am getting so frustrated by the entire thing. I just want my house clean. And I want my kids to go to sleep. Particularly the big one. AARG! It is so frustrating.

Ok, it didn't go my husband's way

Ok, so my husband was up for a promotion. His boss was moving on to "greener pastures" and his position was up for grabs. For the last year since the guy that was my husbands boss was moved up, S was the lead DBA. It wasn't really a title, just a process that happened in his work place. Over the past 2 years turn over has taken place where he no longer was the newbie, but second in seniority. The chick that had been there for 6 years was quite vocal about not wanting anymore responsibility; therefore making Steven the ideal guy to lead the team. People went to him for help prior to going to the actual boss. When the boss was out of town, Steven was in charge. He felt that he was the obvious choice....minus some "details." 1) He had never had management experience, but neither had his boss that was leaving, so he thought the company was willing to help loyal employees move up. 2) He is the youngest. By a great deal.

With all that said, nobody else wanted the position in his team, or so they said. "Canada Boy" had just started in March or May and had previous management experience, but insisted that those days were behind him. He had the "been there, done that attitude" and verbally said he was not interested. However, five days later, he has the position. The higher up boss decides to have individual meetings with the entire DBA team. Canada Boy was first and was given the position. Steven was next to find out that Canada Boy got the position. Then he left. He was home by 3:15 which means he had to leave by 2:30 at the absolute latest. Apparently after everyone else had their individual meetings they left too. Steven's best friend and latest add on to the DBA team left at 4:00 and was the last one. Apparently everybody thoughts Steven got screwed.

So Steven is on a roller coaster of being pissed. He is constantly pissed off, but the level of anger from him varies from moment to moment. I am trying desperately to not piss him off so that I don't accidentally become the target of miss directed anger. So, not much talking and no asking him to do anything. Basically I am on eggshells around him and I am thankful for the weekend of working. I have not even told him that I am late (today begins day 4) That is the last thing we need right now since I don't know what he will do about his job. Well see.

Where is Stinky?

My children have a pet fly named Stinky. At least once a week or more, a fly gets in my car. About 4 weeks ago K was bored and decided to name the fly Stinky and then call for him when was not in view and then yell at him if he landed on her. M got into that action and now when we get into the car she asks, "Where is Stinky?" or "Where did Stinky go?" The game of Where is Stinky lasts for most of a long car ride. It is cute most of the time. DH S does not find it as fun, which honestly makes it more fun.

Sunburns Suck

OK, yesterday during our adventures in the water, I got sunburned. What is so sad is that I know internally that I get burned, but yesterday I must have forgotten. I got my kids lathered in sunscreen so they are fine, but I did not put any on me. Usually when Steven and I do outdoor activities as a family, I lather up the kids and then he does me. However, being here at Mats and Summer's, I forgot to have one of them put the sunscreen on me. Oh well, perhaps a lesson was learned.

I'm at Mat and Summer's for a few days

OK, so I have been convinced to do a blog by my friends as an outlet and an expression of my inner thoughts and feelings. Lately I have been really pissed off and this may help me vent out some anger. Although, I am currently buzzed a bit so I am not currently pissed off. Like right now all I want to do is jump on a trampoline. Perhaps with a water sprinkler underneath it. That was fun when I was a kid. You know what else was fun. Making out with boys. Yep. It was fun. Once I made a list of all the boys I have kissed and it was a fairly long list. That definition was defined as lip to lip contact. Not necessarily with tongue. Mt first kiss was with a PK, with tongue, in the third grade. Talk about scary shit. And confusing. Then I thought that was the way I was suppose kiss all the time. Not the case which I found out slightly later. Anyways. Random thoughts when I am buzzed and the filter is off. Perhaps when adult beverages are not involved I can share my pissed off thoughts.